It's true that I've been an optimistic cynic most of my life. (Let me define that. Even though I know my eventual fate if falling off a building, I would mutter, "Well, so far I'm ok," as I pass each floor). I've been noticing that common sense is sense uncommon these last few years. Take the billions of dollars spent on the Y2K fear during 1999, as an example.

It's not as though we didn't know there would be a computer problem thirty years ago. Programmers consciously programmed out those two digits, 19, to SAVE money! Why did they wait until the last minute to fix it creating a billion dollar scare?

There are people in Montana stocking up on rations, and others warning of impending world end because of the Y2K bug. Come on folks, the computer clock may roll over to 1900 instead of the year 2000. Is that a world ending phenomena? Want to worry? The Sun has only enough fuel to go on for another five billion years. At the end it will fuse helium into heavier elements and begin to expand so large that it will swallow the Earth. Now THAT's a problem Let's face it, what happens on December 31 isn't on the same scale!

Imagine this scenario. You're at a New Year's party in a good mood because you found an extra grand in your paycheck - thanks to a computer error - and the power grid goes down. Candles make an evening more romantic anyway, right?

Ok, so you can't use your cell phone to sing happy new year in a drunken stupor. Think of how clean the air waves will be. That's a good thing, no? And suppose you pop in your ATM card and the bank gives you back a few hundred extra. See that isn't so bad, is it?

Your car won't start because the computer controlled engine malfunctions, but think of the economic benefits for the taxi industry. I mean, after all, you know THEIR cars will start. Most of them are so old they use hay for fuel! And just maybe the meters will actually subtract fare and the driver will give YOU money at the end of the ride. Since the traffic lights will be out, you can thrill to a taxi ride from hell, speeding through intersections, and weaving through the traffic of a hundred drunken suicidal maniacs yelling the end is near. See, Y2K may be fun after all.

Fine, you've taken some precautions and that's good. Make sure you party on a first floor so as not to get trapped in an elevator for the whole night. By the way, why are you using elevators? Haven't you seen the Otis Elevator headquarters on Colvin Avenue in Albany? It's a one story building. Get the hint?

You will regret not seeing the forever young Dick Clark and that magic ball drop from Times Square. But if you've seen one ball drop, you've seen them all. And we both know THAT ball isn't going to make it all the way down to the bottom anyway.

Imagine the next day when you call a business, the phone company, or NIMO and a real person has to answer because all the computer controlled answering devices don't work (depending on whether your phone works in the first place).

And since the TV and radio will be off the air, you can spend some quality time huddled with the family in a nice warm space blanket (because the furnace is off) telling little tommy what it was like before computers became the Anti-Christ! Or you can sit down next to a fire or candle and read any one of the 267 books written this year about Y2K to your children.

Fear of Flying? You're really not going to fly that night, are you? You have to party remember? I never fly. Not because I'm afraid of flying. It's the crashing that bothers me. Can you say navigation error? I knew you could.

Forget the train too! For 15 years I rode Amtrak to San Francisco to cover a computer convention and every year I noticed several commercial pilots on the train. I always asked them why they weren't flying home (they fly for free). They always returned a smile and then chuckled - nervously .

Of course we all know Amtrak doesn't need a Y2k bug to crash.

Imagine the fun when you return those holiday presents. The electronic cash registers won't work so the clerks will have to revert back to doing math in their head. Think of the great belly laughs when you stand there for an hour watching that show. You won't have to return those clothes that don't fit either. That new digital scale you received will malfunction and register only 53 pounds and then start calling you Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) -- in that tinny computer voice. See, I told you there would be good things happening.

Ok, all kidding aside, let's get serious. The post office will continually deliver your mail to the wrong address, while you get your neighbor's mail, or their machines will eat yours and return it in plastic envelopes - shredded. Oh, wait a minute. That happens now. I mean to say the post office will release a new Y2 stamp on December 27, but I hear if you use it the letter won't be delivered until January 1, 2001.

Seriously, the only bug I'm worried about for the next millennium is the I4I bug (pronounced 'eye for eye'). It infects people with the dreaded disease of narcissism. The only cure for it is a good dose of mirror therapy.

And to think that when the calendar rolled over from 1899 to 1900, bringing in the 20th century, the biggest fear people had was getting run over by a run-away horse and buggy. Puts it all in perspective doesn't it?

So folks, I'm staying home on December 31, so I can watch TV the next day. I want to hear the talking heads try to justify spending billions on something that didn't happen.

Naturally, I will be watching in my bunker, stocked with can goods, and a shot gun on my lap - just in case!

Happy New Year Trojans. See you next millennium!

©1999 Don Rittner